Angry Mummy

I had been really cranky recently and I would like to blame it on the lack of sleep. I realise that I cant handle Lil Shauna on my own, definitely not an entire day. It is not that I am not a good mummy, just that I need someone to help watch over her when I shower, eat, express milk, wash clothes, etc. She has been really fussy recently. Refusing sleep after feed or sleeps only when carried and wakes up shortly after put down. With a fussy baby I have no time to myself (just in case you are wondering, I am expressing and Lil Shauna happens to be asleep after her feed, after fussing the entire day).

I had been suffering from a lack of sleep for the past few nights, averaging 3 to 5 hours of interrupted sleep. To keep my sanity, I take an hour of nap in the day. Without that one precious hour, I get super cranky by evening. Daddy Lim was caught up with work yday. He was at work until 2am this morning. Luckily, my mum was here to help yday. I managed to catch 2 hours of sleep in the day (wat a bonus). By nightfall, I was still feeling alright. Lil Shauna only went to bed at 9+pm. I went to bed at about 10+pm. Before I managed to sleep, she was making noises and woke up at 11+pm for her feed. I went back to bed at 1+am and woke up at 4am for the 2nd feed. She woke me up at 6.30am, crying for milk again. In other words, I had about 4 hours of interrupted sleep last night. Daddy Lim went to work shortly leaving with me a fussy baby who refused to go back to sleep.

My mum is supposed to come in the morning and she is going out with my bro's family in the afternoon. She called me at 8.30am, apparently just out of bed. She said that she will come soon. I told her not to rush. She asked about breakfast. With no mood for food (I need sleep more than anything else), I told her not to cook, just tabao something on her way here, which she agreed. At 9.45am, she was still at home. She cooked... then claimed that she will be here shortly. She only reached about 10.30am. I quickly took my breakfast, helped to bath Lil Shauna and wash her clothes. My mum helped to feed her. By the time I was done, it was 11.45am and I dived into bed, hoping for some precious sleep. Daddy Lim came home shortly but I was already unconscious.

My mum woke me up at 1+pm cos it was time for her to join my bro. I was really pissed to be awaken in the midst of my beauty sleep. My mum was eager to go off as my bro was waiting. She was carrying Lil Shauna who was fussing alittle and went on to tell me that Lil Shauna is due for her feed soon and stuff. At that point of time, I really blew my top. I felt so helpless. She knew that she is gg to join my bro, then she should have come a little earlier and let me catch up a little on my sleep. Why cant she get her priorities right? To me, sleep is more impt than food or anything else, yet she chose to waste precious time cooking breakfast. -.o" I had been suffering from sleepless nights largely due to the family crisis and a hungry baby, yet the rest of the family seems mildly affected. I chased her off and started expressing my frustration to my sister (who will be staying with me for awhile) and crying at the same time. Her presence helps.

Daddy Lim was of no help cos he was catching up on his lost sleep. He woke up at 3+pm and was rushing off to his friend's place for guitar practice. I asked if he could stay until 4pm for me to express milk and he said that the practice was supposed to start at 4pm, indicating his unwillingness. After the morning episode, I didnt want to plead with him. Fine, I will handle Lil Shauna on my own. She wun kill me. I am pissed again. The feeling of helplessness and anger swam me.

We were supposed to have a family dinner, but I was pretty unwilling. Dinner with Lil Shauna had not been too enjoyable. My sister was tired too so the dinner was called off. By late afternoon, my mum kept calling to ask if we need them to tabao dinner, which I squarely rejected. I think I am still pissed with her.

At 6pm, I called Daddy Lim who was still at his friend's place. I asked him if he is coming home soon, which he replied that he would if I want him to. I told him to make his own decision, if he doesnt want to come home soon, fine with me. I am not sure if he knew how pissed I am but he replied that he will be coming home shortly after checking with his friends.

I am just so pissed. It seems that I am suffering the most or maybe I am just self-centered. My weekend is non-existent. I have no time for myself, I am looking after Lil Shauna 24/7 and many times on my own. People around me seem to be enjoying themselves. I am trying hard not to deny them of their self time by not asking them to help. Ending up I dun even have time to do the basic things, let alone time to do my own stuff. I am just so pissed. I am an angry mummy.

Mummy Lim